Reflections from the NICU

I can't believe Benjamin is 2 month old already. Seems like it was just yesterday that I went into labor. I can't believe its been 6 weeks since we were finally able to come home after spending 2 weeks in the hospital.

I'm one of those prepare myself for the worsters. I thinks its sort of a way of safeguarding myself. But I never prepared myself for those 2 weeks. It was totally unexpected. Although its been 6 weeks since we came home, there's some things about those 14 days that I remember all too well.

Although there are a lot of things I don't want to remember about it, its one of those things where I think its good to write something down so when we look back, we can remember God's grace to us in helping us through a difficult situation. It could have been much worse of course, but for us it was a challenge in seeing if we really do trust that his grace is sufficient.

Here are just a few reflections:

• I'll never forget when they took him away. One minute we were relaxing and counting the time until we got to go home. The next there were suddenly nurses and doctors and a total lack of understanding on our part. Then they were at the door with one of those little beds with a cover telling us to say goodbye.
  

Forgive us for being a little overprotective.

• They let us walk down with him but when the time came for the spinal tap we had to leave. He had to have 2 spinal taps in his time there. The second one was right down the hall from his room. I swore I could hear his screaming. I had to turn music on because I couldn't bear the sound.
  

Forgive me Benjamin for trying to drown out your pain.

• Shortly after I checked out of postpartum and we began staying in the NICU my feet and ankles became incredibly swollen. So much so that my Mom (who is a doctor) was ready to take me to the emergency room thinking I had a potential blood clot.
  

Forgive me Lord for pleading for you to spare us from one more thing.

• Every morning at about 5 am the lab techs would come in to draw blood. Since babies don't have much for veins they get blood by pricking their heels. I lost count of how many times he had to have his foot stuck. It was a lot.
  

Forgive us lab technicians for hating you. You were just doing your job.

• The first night he was down there we set an alarm to go down when we thought it was time for him to eat. Later we learned that the nurses would just call when he woke up. But that night we showed up to meet a frustrated nurse who literally rolled her eyes at us as she told us that his blood sugars were low. She went on to try and convince us that he needed to be fed formula and made me feel like a failure for him not eating enough. After putting him on fluids in IV form, the Dr informed us the next morning that the blood sugar was a side effect of having an infection-not me not feeding him enough.
  

Forgive us NICU nurse for thinking you were the worst nurse in the world.

• It didn't take long for Benjamin to become jaundiced-also a potential side effect of the infection and a natural result of breastfeeding. The treatment of course is to put them under UV lights in nothing but their diaper and some little "sunglasses" to keep the light from burning their eyes. To say that Benjamin hated this would be an understatement. He was basically inconsolable. And to make matters worse-we weren't supposed to pick him up and hold him because he had to stay under the lights.
  

Forgive us little one for not being able to comfort you.

• For the entire stay Benjamin had what seemed like countless wires attached to his body, including 3 attached to a monitor which drove us insane with its incessant dinging. We couldn't pick him up without worrying whether we were going to tear out his IV.

Forgive us for wanting to keep him all to ourselves for awhile.

• Benjamin not only had two spinal taps, the jaundice light, and constant heel pricks, but he also had to have a head ultrasound and an in depth hearing test. The ultrasound was to confirm there was no swelling or abnormalities, the hearing test to confirm that the antibiotics had not affected his hearing.

Forgive us for our worry.

• We were supposed to go home on a Tuesday, the last day of the 14 days. The Saturday before, they told us we might have to stay another week. I don't think I've ever been so disappointed.

. . . . . . . . . . .

To focus on the negative wouldn't be fair or prove the sufficiency of God's grace. In the midst of the bad-there was also good. In fact, in the midst of it, I found myself able to say God is GOOD. Here are just a few reasons why we were able to say that:

• The day after my Mom threatened to take me to the ER, I began to go for nightly walks around the hospital to try and get the swelling down. Thank the Lord it worked. Gradually the swelling began to dissipate.
  

Thank you Lord for hearing me.

• In the midst of the bad nurses, there were also some good ones. In fact, the majority of them were.
  

Thank you Lord for compassion.

• We found out later that our car had a bad battery. But despite the bitter cold and having sat in the parking garage for days at a time, every time we went to drive it, it started right up.
  

Thank you Lord for your provision.

• My Mom along with Kevin's parents kept us endlessly stocked with food. We only had to eat hospital food a couple of times.

Thank you Lord for parents who love us.

• One Friday night, a Nurse Practitioner from the Iowa City Children's Hospital suddenly showed up. She was a God send and her recommendation to call Iowa City after the second spinal tap is part of the reason we didn't have to stay another week.

Thank you Lord for the angels among us.

• John Deere was extremely understanding. I would even go as far to say that they were the most supportive. Not only did they allow Kevin to be gone for 2 weeks, they encouraged him to do whatever he needed to do and allowed him to take it as personal sick time rather than vacation.

Thank you Lord for unexpected blessings.

• In the beginning they told us that we might get evicted from our room if they got too busy and placed in area near the nurses station with curtains for walls. Not only did we not get evicted, but the Saturday they told us we might be staying another week, we asked if we could move to a bigger room with a couch fold out bed we could both sleep on rather than the roll away cot and chair we had been separately sleeping in. Within a few minutes we were moving our stuff.
  

Thank you Lord for your grace.

I could go on, but needless to say, in the midst of our trial, the Lord was good to us. He gave us strength when we had nothing left. He helped us to not turn on each other even though neither of us had slept for weeks. He came through when we didn't know how we could handle any more.

And now we can say...

His grace truly is sufficient.