Since I'm in the laying it all out there right now let's just start with this:
Confession #1: It's 1:00 and I'm still in my PJs.
Confession #2: I consider it a productive day if I'm able to brush my teeth, put on deodorant and get my 3 meals in. Forget taking a shower.
Confession #3: My house may look at least kind of clean, but let me tell you, it is not. I think there is at least 500 million dust bunnies hiding under couches and beds and unseen places below, and there is at least an inch of dust on better seen places above.
Confession #4: My husband does the laundry. I never asked him to, and I have even told him to stop, but for those of you who know him, he is unceasingly stubborn. He even scolds me if he sees me doing it.
Confession #5: He also does the dishes. We do have a dishwasher, but he is the one who loads it and unloads it.
Confession #6: I swear to you I have never been so exhausted in my life. Seriously, who would have imagined that you could spend your entire waking hours doing nothing but feeding, changing, and entertaining this little person? Every time I try to plan to get something done it pretty much goes out the window.
Confession #7: I often times feel like a total failure. Sure I may be entertaining and keeping this little guy fed, cleaned and happy, but what about my disastrous house? What about my poor husband who is lucky to get 5 minutes of my attention? What about all those thank you notes that I have yet to write? Or that laundry that I feel guilty about? What about the groceries that I have yet to buy? Or the fact that my husband has been having to make his own lunch?
Confession #8: Part of my feeling of failure is directly related to the fact that I constantly compare myself to others and think that they are doing a much better job. Why do we as women do that? Men don't do that. I think it must be an insecurity thing.
Confession #9: In my state of overwhelmedness I often blame others for not being there to help. I don't know that this is really rational or even appropriate, but my expectations of how things would go and what actually is don't really match up.
Confession #10: For me, becoming a mom has been isolating. I can't be as involved in things as I used to, and with having a little one who wants to eat every 2 hours, it really limits what you can do. It really is so much easier not to leave the house.
When people tell you that having a baby changes everything, you should listen, because they are right. Even so, I can't help but think, does everyone experience the things I have been experiencing? If they do, I wouldn't know, because for some reason people don't seem to talk about it. Does it have to do with that insecurity I mentioned that you think everyone else in the world is doing a much better job than you are, and that you must just be an utter failure at balancing motherhood and life? Why do we try so hard to hold up this perfect image of ourselves which is so far from the actual truth? Why can't we just be real?
Even before I became a mother, I thought often about these verses. I thought of them when I got married, and now that I've become a mother, they've resurfaced:
"Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God." Titus 2:3-5
Is it me, or does this not happen? I might have had several come up to me and say the whole, "it's going to change your life" thing, but what about all of these other feelings? Am I alone, or is this call to discipleship just not happening?
When I got married, I was totally unprepared. I think we both were. We didn't know what marriage was really about, or how hard it can be at times for two selfish people to suddenly transition into a selfless relationship. We had to read books. We had to start attending marriage conferences. Along with experience, that's how we've learned.
I can't help but think about these verses. Where are the women teaching women? Disciplining each other? Sharing feelings that no one else can understand? Going through life's everyday battles together?
There may be fellowship going, but from the point of view of a young mother, there is a desperate need for something more in our churches. We need to follow the command of this verse: "Urge the younger women." Teach them. Encourage them. Share your wisdom. They need to know from those that have been there how to be good mothers and wives, how to juggle all of these things while maintaining their homes.
Don't let the feeling that you are not perfect, that you are not good enough or even past failures keep you from answering this call. We need nothing more than to be real with one another.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
100 Reasons I Love My Husband
Every Valentine's Day, I try to do something new and creative to say "I love you" to my husband. I'm not sure how I came up with this, but I thought it was something that would not only let him know how much I appreciate him, but would also help me realize how lucky I am. Though it might seem a little dramatic or over the top...it's really not. There are probably a thousand reasons...but here's what I was able to come up with so far...100 reasons I love my husband:
1. I know he will do anything within his power to protect us.
2. He's willing to go shopping/buy groceries for me, without me asking, and even if its over his lunch break.
3. He makes sure we're all in church on Sundays.
4. He gives back from what's been given to him.
5. Work is not his priority, family is.
6. He never yells (at least not when he's angry)
7. In the midst of his day, he always takes time to ask how mine is going.
8. He loves snow.
9. He follows his heart, wherever he feels the Lord leading him.
10. He's not afraid to get his hands dirty.
11. He listens.
12. He has a heart for those who are going through hard times.
13. All of the work, time and energy he's put into our house "projects."
14. He's a man of integrity.
15. A lot of what he knows he learned from his Grandpa.
16. He gives God the glory for his success.
17. He's my shoulder to cry on.
18. He works so hard to provide for us.
19. Without hesitation, he gave up an entire years worth of vacation to be with our son.
20. He helps me with laundry.
21. He has always treated me with dignity and respect.
22. He tells me I'm beautiful.
23. He gave me 15 roses on our first Valentine's Day, before we were even dating. And he almost ran over an old lady to get 12 of them.
24. He sets aside every Friday night to spend time with me.
25. He buys me flowers just because.
26. He never forgets my birthday.
27. He still remembers the anniversary of the day he asked me to marry him.
28. He reads Benjamin his bedtime story.
29. He doesn't waver in his convictions.
30. He reads his Bible everyday.
31. He bakes Oreo cakes for me.
32. He's not afraid to hold me accountable.
33. He respects his parents.
34. He always takes out the trash without me asking.
35. He does the dishes just to help me out.
36. He works hard at everything he does.
37. He's a godly man.
38. He always kisses me goodnight & goodbye.
39. He's the best looking man I know.
40. He has a sensitive side, even if he doesn't like to admit it.
41. He's my best friend.
42. He takes time out of his busy day to make Benjamin laugh.
43. He loves his family.
44. He's an awesome Dad.
45. He's a mechanic...
46. ...a handyman...
47. ...a farmer....
48. ...a college recruiter....
49. ...a computer geek....
50. ...a contractor...and much more.
51. He's unwavering loyalty to his alma mater.
52. His love of antique tractors.
53. His boldness, especially for God.
54. He loves his cows.
55. His leadership.
56. His humility.
57. His ability to take flack without dishing it back.
58. He's not afraid to say what he thinks.
59. He's not a messy person.
60. He's the most responsible person I know.
61. He's honest.
62. He trusts me.
63. He's made it through hard times.
64. He likes my cooking.
65. He notices when I clean the house.
66. If it weren't for me, he'd always be on time.
67. His laugh.
68. Every day he emails me in the midst of his day to see how I'm doing.
69. He enjoys garage saleing.
70. I know he would do anything for me.
71. He loves me despite all my flaws and imperfections.
72. He's good at what he does.
73. He watches Benjamin on Saturday mornings so I can sleep in.
74. He doesn't care about or watch sports.
75. He cooks crockpot meals for us on Sundays.
76. He looks good in a suit.
77. He always finishes what he starts.
78. He can fix anything.
79. He's a leader, not a follower.
80. He's not a people pleaser.
81. I consider him God's gift to me.
82. He's a farm boy.
83. He takes care of me when I'm not feeling well.
84. He supports me staying home and appreciates what I do.
85. He still opens doors for me.
86. He thanks me for what I do.
87. He tells me he loves me daily.
88. I know when he said "I do" he meant it.
89. He still holds my hand.
90. He has a generous heart.
91. He wants to be a good husband.
92. He never puts me down.
93. We can argue about how much a hay bales should weigh.
94. He is enjoys having me meet him for lunch.
95. He was overwhelmed with excitement on our wedding day.
96. He's honest with me.
97. He looks forward to our annual couples retreat.
98. I know I can trust him.
99. He's the person I share my life with.
100. He' a blessing to me.
1. I know he will do anything within his power to protect us.
2. He's willing to go shopping/buy groceries for me, without me asking, and even if its over his lunch break.
3. He makes sure we're all in church on Sundays.
4. He gives back from what's been given to him.
5. Work is not his priority, family is.
6. He never yells (at least not when he's angry)
7. In the midst of his day, he always takes time to ask how mine is going.
8. He loves snow.
9. He follows his heart, wherever he feels the Lord leading him.
10. He's not afraid to get his hands dirty.
11. He listens.
12. He has a heart for those who are going through hard times.
13. All of the work, time and energy he's put into our house "projects."
14. He's a man of integrity.
15. A lot of what he knows he learned from his Grandpa.
16. He gives God the glory for his success.
17. He's my shoulder to cry on.
18. He works so hard to provide for us.
19. Without hesitation, he gave up an entire years worth of vacation to be with our son.
20. He helps me with laundry.
21. He has always treated me with dignity and respect.
22. He tells me I'm beautiful.
23. He gave me 15 roses on our first Valentine's Day, before we were even dating. And he almost ran over an old lady to get 12 of them.
24. He sets aside every Friday night to spend time with me.
25. He buys me flowers just because.
26. He never forgets my birthday.
27. He still remembers the anniversary of the day he asked me to marry him.
28. He reads Benjamin his bedtime story.
29. He doesn't waver in his convictions.
30. He reads his Bible everyday.
31. He bakes Oreo cakes for me.
32. He's not afraid to hold me accountable.
33. He respects his parents.
34. He always takes out the trash without me asking.
35. He does the dishes just to help me out.
36. He works hard at everything he does.
37. He's a godly man.
38. He always kisses me goodnight & goodbye.
39. He's the best looking man I know.
40. He has a sensitive side, even if he doesn't like to admit it.
41. He's my best friend.
42. He takes time out of his busy day to make Benjamin laugh.
43. He loves his family.
44. He's an awesome Dad.
45. He's a mechanic...
46. ...a handyman...
47. ...a farmer....
48. ...a college recruiter....
49. ...a computer geek....
50. ...a contractor...and much more.
51. He's unwavering loyalty to his alma mater.
52. His love of antique tractors.
53. His boldness, especially for God.
54. He loves his cows.
55. His leadership.
56. His humility.
57. His ability to take flack without dishing it back.
58. He's not afraid to say what he thinks.
59. He's not a messy person.
60. He's the most responsible person I know.
61. He's honest.
62. He trusts me.
63. He's made it through hard times.
64. He likes my cooking.
65. He notices when I clean the house.
66. If it weren't for me, he'd always be on time.
67. His laugh.
68. Every day he emails me in the midst of his day to see how I'm doing.
69. He enjoys garage saleing.
70. I know he would do anything for me.
71. He loves me despite all my flaws and imperfections.
72. He's good at what he does.
73. He watches Benjamin on Saturday mornings so I can sleep in.
74. He doesn't care about or watch sports.
75. He cooks crockpot meals for us on Sundays.
76. He looks good in a suit.
77. He always finishes what he starts.
78. He can fix anything.
79. He's a leader, not a follower.
80. He's not a people pleaser.
81. I consider him God's gift to me.
82. He's a farm boy.
83. He takes care of me when I'm not feeling well.
84. He supports me staying home and appreciates what I do.
85. He still opens doors for me.
86. He thanks me for what I do.
87. He tells me he loves me daily.
88. I know when he said "I do" he meant it.
89. He still holds my hand.
90. He has a generous heart.
91. He wants to be a good husband.
92. He never puts me down.
93. We can argue about how much a hay bales should weigh.
94. He is enjoys having me meet him for lunch.
95. He was overwhelmed with excitement on our wedding day.
96. He's honest with me.
97. He looks forward to our annual couples retreat.
98. I know I can trust him.
99. He's the person I share my life with.
100. He' a blessing to me.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Reflections from the NICU
I can't believe Benjamin is 2 month old already. Seems like it was just yesterday that I went into labor. I can't believe its been 6 weeks since we were finally able to come home after spending 2 weeks in the hospital.
I'm one of those prepare myself for the worsters. I thinks its sort of a way of safeguarding myself. But I never prepared myself for those 2 weeks. It was totally unexpected. Although its been 6 weeks since we came home, there's some things about those 14 days that I remember all too well.
Although there are a lot of things I don't want to remember about it, its one of those things where I think its good to write something down so when we look back, we can remember God's grace to us in helping us through a difficult situation. It could have been much worse of course, but for us it was a challenge in seeing if we really do trust that his grace is sufficient.
Here are just a few reflections:
. . . . . . . . . . .
To focus on the negative wouldn't be fair or prove the sufficiency of God's grace. In the midst of the bad-there was also good. In fact, in the midst of it, I found myself able to say God is GOOD. Here are just a few reasons why we were able to say that:
I could go on, but needless to say, in the midst of our trial, the Lord was good to us. He gave us strength when we had nothing left. He helped us to not turn on each other even though neither of us had slept for weeks. He came through when we didn't know how we could handle any more.
And now we can say...
His grace truly is sufficient.
I'm one of those prepare myself for the worsters. I thinks its sort of a way of safeguarding myself. But I never prepared myself for those 2 weeks. It was totally unexpected. Although its been 6 weeks since we came home, there's some things about those 14 days that I remember all too well.
Although there are a lot of things I don't want to remember about it, its one of those things where I think its good to write something down so when we look back, we can remember God's grace to us in helping us through a difficult situation. It could have been much worse of course, but for us it was a challenge in seeing if we really do trust that his grace is sufficient.
Here are just a few reflections:
- I'll never forget when they took him away. One minute we were relaxing and counting the time until we got to go home. The next there were suddenly nurses and doctors and a total lack of understanding on our part. Then they were at the door with one of those little beds with a cover telling us to say goodbye.
- They let us walk down with him but when the time came for the spinal tap we had to leave. He had to have 2 spinal taps in his time there. The second one was right down the hall from his room. I swore I could hear his screaming. I had to turn music on because I couldn't bear the sound.
- Shortly after I checked out of postpartum and we began staying in the NICU my feet and ankles became incredibly swollen. So much so that my Mom (who is a doctor) was ready to take me to the emergency room thinking I had a potential blood clot.
- Every morning at about 5 am the lab techs would come in to draw blood. Since babies don't have much for veins they get blood by pricking their heels. I lost count of how many times he had to have his foot stuck. It was a lot.
- The first night he was down there we set an alarm to go down when we thought it was time for him to eat. Later we learned that the nurses would just call when he woke up. But that night we showed up to meet a frustrated nurse who literally rolled her eyes at us as she told us that his blood sugars were low. She went on to try and convince us that he needed to be fed formula and made me feel like a failure for him not eating enough. After putting him on fluids in IV form, the Dr informed us the next morning that the blood sugar was a side effect of having an infection-not me not feeding him enough.
- It didn't take long for Benjamin to become jaundiced-also a potential side effect of the infection and a natural result of breastfeeding. The treatment of course is to put them under UV lights in nothing but their diaper and some little "sunglasses" to keep the light from burning their eyes. To say that Benjamin hated this would be an understatement. He was basically inconsolable. And to make matters worse-we weren't supposed to pick him up and hold him because he had to stay under the lights.
- For the entire stay Benjamin had what seemed like countless wires attached to his body, including 3 attached to a monitor which drove us insane with its incessant dinging. We couldn't pick him up without worrying whether we were going to tear out his IV.
- Benjamin not only had two spinal taps, the jaundice light, and constant heel pricks, but he also had to have a head ultrasound and an in depth hearing test. The ultrasound was to confirm there was no swelling or abnormalities, the hearing test to confirm that the antibiotics had not affected his hearing.
- We were supposed to go home on a Tuesday, the last day of the 14 days. The Saturday before, they told us we might have to stay another week. I don't think I've ever been so disappointed.
. . . . . . . . . . .
To focus on the negative wouldn't be fair or prove the sufficiency of God's grace. In the midst of the bad-there was also good. In fact, in the midst of it, I found myself able to say God is GOOD. Here are just a few reasons why we were able to say that:
- The day after my Mom threatened to take me to the ER, I began to go for nightly walks around the hospital to try and get the swelling down. Thank the Lord it worked. Gradually the swelling began to dissipate.
- In the midst of the bad nurses, there were also some good ones. In fact, the majority of them were.
- We found out later that our car had a bad battery. But despite the bitter cold and having sat in the parking garage for days at a time, every time we went to drive it, it started right up.
- My Mom along with Kevin's parents kept us endlessly stocked with food. We only had to eat hospital food a couple of times.
- One Friday night, a Nurse Practitioner from the Iowa City Children's Hospital suddenly showed up. She was a God send and her recommendation to call Iowa City after the second spinal tap is part of the reason we didn't have to stay another week.
- John Deere was extremely understanding. I would even go as far to say that they were the most supportive. Not only did they allow Kevin to be gone for 2 weeks, they encouraged him to do whatever he needed to do and allowed him to take it as personal sick time rather than vacation.
- In the beginning they told us that we might get evicted from our room if they got too busy and placed in area near the nurses station with curtains for walls. Not only did we not get evicted, but the Saturday they told us we might be staying another week, we asked if we could move to a bigger room with a couch fold out bed we could both sleep on rather than the roll away cot and chair we had been separately sleeping in. Within a few minutes we were moving our stuff.
I could go on, but needless to say, in the midst of our trial, the Lord was good to us. He gave us strength when we had nothing left. He helped us to not turn on each other even though neither of us had slept for weeks. He came through when we didn't know how we could handle any more.
And now we can say...
His grace truly is sufficient.
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