Confessions of a New Mom

Since I'm in the laying it all out there right now let's just start with this:

Confession #1: It's 1:00 and I'm still in my PJs.

Confession #2: I consider it a productive day if I'm able to brush my teeth, put on deodorant and get my 3 meals in. Forget taking a shower.

Confession #3: My house may look at least kind of clean, but let me tell you, it is not. I think there is at least 500 million dust bunnies hiding under couches and beds and unseen places below, and there is at least an inch of dust on better seen places above.

Confession #4: My husband does the laundry. I never asked him to, and I have even told him to stop, but for those of you who know him, he is unceasingly stubborn. He even scolds me if he sees me doing it.

Confession #5: He also does the dishes. We do have a dishwasher, but he is the one who loads it and unloads it.

Confession #6: I swear to you I have never been so exhausted in my life. Seriously, who would have imagined that you could spend your entire waking hours doing nothing but feeding, changing, and entertaining this little person? Every time I try to plan to get something done it pretty much goes out the window.

Confession #7: I often times feel like a total failure. Sure I may be entertaining and keeping this little guy fed, cleaned and happy, but what about my disastrous house? What about my poor husband who is lucky to get 5 minutes of my attention? What about all those thank you notes that I have yet to write? Or that laundry that I feel guilty about? What about the groceries that I have yet to buy? Or the fact that my husband has been having to make his own lunch?

Confession #8: Part of my feeling of failure is directly related to the fact that I constantly compare myself to others and think that they are doing a much better job. Why do we as women do that? Men don't do that. I think it must be an insecurity thing.

Confession #9: In my state of overwhelmedness I often blame others for not being there to help. I don't know that this is really rational or even appropriate, but my expectations of how things would go and what actually is don't really match up.

Confession #10: For me, becoming a mom has been isolating. I can't be as involved in things as I used to, and with having a little one who wants to eat every 2 hours, it really limits what you can do. It really is so much easier not to leave the house.

When people tell you that having a baby changes everything, you should listen, because they are right. Even so, I can't help but think, does everyone experience the things I have been experiencing? If they do, I wouldn't know, because for some reason people don't seem to talk about it. Does it have to do with that insecurity I mentioned that you think everyone else in the world is doing a much better job than you are, and that you must just be an utter failure at balancing motherhood and life? Why do we try so hard to hold up this perfect image of ourselves which is so far from the actual truth? Why can't we just be real?

Even before I became a mother, I thought often about these verses. I thought of them when I got married, and now that I've become a mother, they've resurfaced:

"Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God." Titus 2:3-5

Is it me, or does this not happen? I might have had several come up to me and say the whole, "it's going to change your life" thing, but what about all of these other feelings? Am I alone, or is this call to discipleship just not happening?

When I got married, I was totally unprepared. I think we both were. We didn't know what marriage was really about, or how hard it can be at times for two selfish people to suddenly transition into a selfless relationship. We had to read books. We had to start attending marriage conferences. Along with experience, that's how we've learned.

I can't help but think about these verses. Where are the women teaching women? Disciplining each other? Sharing feelings that no one else can understand? Going through life's everyday battles together?

There may be fellowship going, but from the point of view of a young mother, there is a desperate need for something more in our churches. We need to follow the command of this verse: "Urge the younger women." Teach them. Encourage them. Share your wisdom. They need to know from those that have been there how to be good mothers and wives, how to juggle all of these things while maintaining their homes.

Don't let the feeling that you are not perfect, that you are not good enough or even past failures keep you from answering this call. We need nothing more than to be real with one another.