Lucky #7

"I cried out to God for help;
I cried out to God to hear me.
When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
at night I stretched out my untiring hands
and my soul refused to comforted."

My senior year of college was not as great as the three previous ones had been. It was my senior year and I really still had no idea what I was going to do with my life. I figured I get a job somewhere doing something, and that would suffice for now. I'd figure the rest out later.

I searched and searched for a job to go to after I graduated but seemed to come up empty handed. I randomly applied for the Americorps program after a friend recommended it, which ended up being my one and only option. I didn't really want to take it, but I did.

At this point I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. Any remnant of faith that I had was quickly diminishing.

Then, one night, nearly 6 months into my senior year, I picked up my Bible. Flipping to a random passage, hoping to find some glimmer of encouragement, I happened to flip to this passage. Why this one? Well, if I remember correctly, 7 was my "lucky" number, and Psalm 7 wasn't really doing anything for me, so I tried Psalm 77.

And this is what it said:

"I remembered you, O God, and I groaned;
I mused, and my spirit grew faint."
You kept my eyes from closing;
I was too troubled to speak."
"I thought about the former days,
the years of long ago;
I remembered the songs in the night
My heart mused, and my spirit inquired:
Will the Lord reject me forever? Will he never show his
favor again?
Has his unfailing love vanished forever? Has his promise
failed for all time?
Has God forgotten to be merciful? Has he in anger
withheld his compassion?

This is exactly how I was feeling. "Yes!...YES!" I thought through tear-stained eyes. I was so amazed and relieved that someone in the Bible itself actually had these same feelings.

But as I kept reading, I discovered that this person had a very different perspective than I did. And it all revolved around this very important word: Then.

"Then, I thought, ''To this I will appeal:
the years of the right hand of the Most High.
' I will remember the deeds of the Lord;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
I will meditate on all your works
and consider all your mighty deeds.
Your ways, O God, are holy.
What god is so great as our God?
You are the God who performs miracles;
you display your power among the peoples.
With your mighty are you redeemed your people,
the descendents of Jacob and Joseph.

"What am I doing?" I thought. I had spent all this time trying to go my own way, then feeling sorry for myself when I suddenly realized I had no direction. How did I get myself here? I had completely disregarded God's goodness, the "deeds of the Lord." I wasn't "meditating on all His works," instead, I was dwelling on my own inadequacy.

I remember very vividly (though not exactly) the words I cried out to the Lord that night: "Lord, I don't know how I got myself here, but I'm sorry, for all my selfishness, for all my feelings sorry for myself...I don't know how I got here, but I pray Lord, that from this moment on, I will surrender...to you, to your will, to all this selfish ambition. Lord, please forgive me."

That was my prayer that night, and that's the moment my life changed.

How exactly did it change?

I used to use language I shouldn't of, and with the Lord's help, I stopped, and I have never done it again. I had a terrible pattern of negative thinking that was causing me to be depressed and had been for quite some time, and with the Lord's help, it also stopped. The music I listened to changed. Three months before I graduated, I started going to a nearby church every Sunday. And I began to read my Bible every day, not just randomly, but consistently, and I've done so ever since.

He cleansed me and made me knew. He set a hope in my heart. "He knew the plans for me...plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future.From then on, I would call upon him and come and pray to him, and I knew he would listen. I would seek him and find him, now that I was seeking him with all my heart. I found him, and he brought me out of my captivity." (Jeremiah 29:11-14, paraphrased)

And here's the most amazing part of all. The only door that was left open in terms of a job was to go serve in Americorps for a year. And the closest place I could go to home was Clinton. So, reluctantly, I went. I knew nobody, I felt totally alone and I was completely overwhelmed with the responsibility they gave me. I tried to find a church, but ended up going home every weekend so I could go with my parents. After a few months of driving an hour and a half home every weekend, they suggested that I try the church in LeClaire.

So...I did.

Six months after moving to Clinton, I met my husband. Where was he? At the church in LeClaire. How did I end up in LeClaire? By going to Clinton.

Was this all in the Lord's plan? Of course it was. And that whole having no job thing and not knowing what I was going to do for the rest of my life? I'm a housewife, and I believe that was God's plan all along. I had never even considered the possibility of being a housewife. It was a foreign concept to me. If you met the women in my family, you would understand why.

But here I am.

How did I get here?

By God's grace, and nothing more.